For several years a serious reassessment of my culture and how we do things versus the approach of other cultures has taken place in my mind. First as a person with a degree in sociology, I have tried to have some sympathy to the problems encountered by persons from a variety of backgrounds who have decided to live in my land. Some of these thoughts have been previously documented so I will not belabor them. Noted has been differences of both hispanic culture as well as those from Middle Eastern, North African, or Indian locations.
I have truly tried to be objective in seeing their side, and have given consideration to whether some of their approaches might be more useful. One area in which I have applied this was in the interaction of men and women. At first sight it might appear to an American that free mixing of the sexes might be more tolerant. Knowing that I have benefitted from the company and opinions of men from my church and house church, I felt superior to the walling off of women in the mosques. At least I felt free-er.
Frequently, during early parenting I found the company of women completely drab in its offerings. The women were lovely people, devoted wives and mothers, but not career women or women who held notable opinions or had anything worthy to say. Probably my mistake in underestimating them, but I had gone from studying engineering 18 hours a day, around fascinating females who were ambitious and bold, and not afraid to tackle the type of courses or the prejudices that abounded then of what our abilities might be.
So in honesty I was suffering withdrawal from one society to another of such a different type that I was not ready to face. Being able to walk from one room where the women were discussing their babies or gossip or some trivial thing into the other room where the men were having something more significant to discuss, whether theology or politics, or what not, saved my sanity, or at least helped me to adjust. I did totally value the importance of devoting myself to my children, and to developing them rather than sticking them in a nursery school where the help might change every couple of months.
So really, had I stayed in another part of the city and surrounded myself with those other types that I desired, they would have been more formidable in my withdrawal into motherhood. I did learn to value, and respect each of those women in my housechurch. Furthermore, I learned the secret of bonding with other women: the motherhood club. No matter the difference of salaries or education, housing or background, one mother can easily interact with another because they understand how important one's child is to a parent.
Truthfully I did not appreciate the Lord's graciousness in placing us in an environment where other mothers were also home. However, as I said the presence of other men to talk to besides my husband was helpful. Most of these I truly felt were brothers, and had the freedom to react as such. However, over the years there were times when I was aware of other reactions that were not as platonic. Mostly it made me feel uneasy, but I also learned we do not always choose whom we fall in love with. If we are placed around someone and have cause to interact with them on a regular basis, accidents will happen. That is not to say they must, or that they should be given into. Mostly it just means people should be on their guard. I will also note those men would not have been available to merely befriend me, had they not placed being a spiritual head of their family as a cornerstone in their priorities for their family life. I also benefitted from men at work, mentoring me, guiding me about engineering and life. (Most of those were not religious.)
This is not what I was choosing to write about, but it is a necessary precedent. Because of those prior experiences I wondered whether the Muslim insistence in keeping the sexes apart were perhaps based on some remote wisdom in dealing with the reality of the power of sexuality. Furthermore, the whole covering issue was much less explosive to me than to most Americans. I just cover my body with fat to keep men from looking! However, the other problems of Islamic culture go so far out to prove their inadequacy that I have had to get off the fence. I can no longer stay neutral on this issue.
What is wrong with Muslim men?! They think they have the right to go out whenever they want, without having to explain when or where or why they are going. To leave the women raising their children for hours and days at a time with no break, and then when they deign to return home, they are supposed to be greeted with joy and kindness and service. The wives are barely able to hold on, needing a break from kids asking questions, or toddlers talking, talking, always talking, or needing to go have fun when mom needs to go to the grocery store.
As noted in an earlier post, when someone becomes scarce in being around a child, the child learns to live without them. Yes, it frequently is more fascinating to be around an adult with whom one can have an intelligent conversation or share interests rather than talk to a child about Barbie or trains or what not. However, in their defense, I have had many more interesting conversations with children whose clarity and innocence allowed a greater dependency on solid truth that similar talks with adults would not.
The question is not whether one might be more stimulating, but what is required. When one has a child, he, yes he, is responsible to partake in its raising. The payment of time and of sacrifice is offset by the joy of how important you are in their eyes. While he may from time to time have to deny himself in order to further a career, the importance remains. And how can you have a marriage when you are not around?
A long distance marriage offers little romance. And a father that is not home cannot build the sense of stability in a child's self-esteem that educators and psychologists tell us is so essential for both little boys and girls. Girls need it in order to establish respectable relationships with men, so they do not end up putting out in order to get attention. Boys need it so they do not get behind in school, get into trouble or go to prison. Those are statistically proven effects of being fatherless or virtually so. While the boys that had fathers or father figures enabled them to succeed more, go to college, etc. Although the military has had its share of rescuing many, but that adds up to further father figures stepping in helping a young man to find his way. Girls with strong relationships are more likely to have happier, more stable marriages. So, is it really more important to hang out at a coffee shop? To drink and be with friends, or to pick up some new young thing? What do you think she wants but the same thing your wife did, a home and family. And if you find that so boring, what do you have to offer her?
Ultimately it comes down to, what do you live for-yourself or for helping others? Is your own amusement more important than the stability of those who have committed their lives to you, or who depend upon you?
If this were about American or western men, and it can be, it would be labelled failing to mature, selfishness, or inability to commit. Mostly that is considered a failure in our society. But in one where it is expected, for a woman to ask a man where he is, where he is going, or when he will return is emasculating. Even for a female to dare to stand up and let her needs be known or those of the children, they are supposed to be subservient to the needs of the all-important husband. But whose husband- a man with multiple wives, and way too many children? A man who lets his sexuality lead him rather than his brain or his heart. The truth is the man makes his play more important than others around him. And his choices makes him more irrelevant to his family. How can they depend upon him if they do not know when or if he will be around?
True, he has the payoff of having his freedom. How many wish they could go back to their teenage years or college years with little to no responsibilities, few people to whom they had to answer, and only the study of what they wanted, or the pursuit of whatever interests they had. But dreaming of it when life sometimes overwhelms you is not the same as walking away from those whose futures depend upon your presence.
Ultimately this cultural thing is not merely an analysis of Morocco versus America. It comes down to what influenced the formation of the values on which these norms were based. The Bible and the Koran. In the Koran, a man is allowed four wives, and many sex slaves. The wives and slaves may have been other men's wives, taken by force, but I will give that issue a rest at least for this post. Everything is centered around him.
In the Bible, the man is also the center. He is considered the head of the family, the head of the wife. He is to submit to Christ who is his head. Nevertheless, even as feminists object to the teachings of Christianity, they fail to note the servant role of the male. The man is to love the wife as Christ loved the Church. This means sacrificial giving of himself, his interests in order to protect her. He is to love her, and the choices he makes will cleanse her, purify her-not by beating her to make her afraid to disobey.
But his love and protection brings out a humility and security that does not induce a wife to need to nag or harp. A woman who feels loved and appreciated does not need to feed her face or to comfort herself in food. Harassing her about weight defeats the purpose-if she is nurtured by her husband, she will be more interested and fed by the emotions of satisfying him. Not merely sexually but by whatever will bring benefit to him. The point is that they become one, not merely physically, but by living together they have grown together. They support each other through trials, facing the world together when all else seems to be against them. In fact, the Bible says a man should love his wife as he loves himself, nurturing and protecting her against all things. How can you do it if you are out chilling with your friends?
Another verse points out that a man that does not uphold his wife will not have his prayers answered. While the Koran instucts to beat a woman, God tells men to love their women, and God will bless them by answering their prayers. We may not have a godly society. Probably never did, as there were always those present who were dedicated to their own goals. Nevertheless, as preachers performed the marriages, and as the sermons went forth about the establishment of marriages, the unity, the standards, the basis of family life in American society was the Bible.
One consequence is the importance of taking care of women and children in our laws. Adultery is considered serious, as is mere neglect. I would have to argue there is no greater proof of the failure of Islam than muslim families-and consequently their societies. For as the families go, so goes the country, and the culture.
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