Letter to a reader

            Okay. Let’s make sure I understand. Your in-laws are devout Muslims, and try to continue to teach their beliefs to your nieces and nephews—that is, to their grandchildren. (Presumably, this is because they actually believe what their faith teaches.) For one reason, they want them to uphold godly values and not be pulled into the traps of worldliness around them that they think will degrade their quality of life. For another, they believe in a real heaven and hell and want their family members to go to the right place. A third reason is that they do not want them to dishonor the deity who deserves to receive honor and respect for His Creation, and thanks for what He provides.

            These are not unreasonable things to desire for those you love. I would concur with their values as for as wishing the best for their families and not wanting them to bring curses upon them for dishonoring them. (That is one reason why honor killings take place throughout the Muslim world—to prevent the person from further worldliness, etc.)

            Perhaps the discussions are not constant but periodic, over what is the modest, decent, or proper way to dress. They involve what are good shows to watch that do not glorify evil. Books, music, art, and movies all are affected by the values we have (whether we will watch them.) We are affected by listening to someone else’s opinions that are expressed in lyrics, sitcom plots, and so on. That is the reason they are included-to try to affect social opinion.

            Now, I have similar issues. My mate and I tried to set rules about the standards of our home. How we should dress and act. I sought to instill the values to work hard, study, get a good education, and love learning purely for itself as well as a way to acquire jobs skills. I did tell them they would have to work hard because I did not have enough money to support them while they played around. 

            You accuse me of being rigid. In fact, I was too tolerant, trusting that with patience, after my children had experimented with the world, they would settle down. Partly, this was out of guilt that they would have to grow up so soon, having to work their way through college with insufficient help from us.

            I had the same thoughts as your in-laws. I wanted my children to be moral, modest, and godly. I wanted them to reflect the training I had given them. And for the same reasons I listed for the other parents. There was an additional factor—I wanted my children to know and love the Lord. He not only loves them, He wants to have a relationship with them. No one will love them more, or take better care of them than Him. (I can’t watch over them 24/7, but He can.)

            Now you object to both sides taking this position—whether it is me (and your mother), or your in-laws. The thing that I notice is that you are ambivalent to religion. Having admitted to being an atheist, you find our beliefs antiquated and unreasonable. However, you also are strongly emotional, and devoted to your opinion. Those qualities you find objectionable in me, but not in yourself. 

            If you were consistent with your position that people should be tolerant of those who maintain different views, you would be at peace. We would not affect or offend you, because everyone is to be allowed to have their position. What you really mean is that everyone who agrees with you should be allowed that, and the freedom to express that. However, the rest of us should shut up. We should numb our emotions, as you instructed your mother. We should become robots because we are not worthy to express our thoughts. 

            Now let us suppose, twenty five or thirty years down the road, you have raised children. As they grew up you’ve taught them not to take sides (because religion isn’t actually important.) However, you did teach them values important to you. You taught them to care about animals that are abandoned, or that marriage is anything anybody wants it to be—in the name of tolerance.

            Then they go off to college, or move out. Suppose values have changed. The politically correct view becomes that the survival of the fittest demands animals make it on their own or die. Not only is homosexual marriage acceptable, along with the choice of polygamy, but marriage to children of the age of six up is fine for men even in their sixth decade, because the prophet did it. Or maybe they are showing scenes like that on TV, movies, tablets and computers, phones, or whatever the current technology becomes. (Just as they are starting to show programs now about polygamy, and homosexual couples raising kids.) Maybe these new shows will even present sex with animals, say a man and his donkey on weekly sitcoms.

            Old people are horrified because these scenes would never have been tolerated in their youth. (Except as crude jokes in decadent movies that no one took seriously.) But now it is determined that to be against this is to be narrow-minded.

            Who has the right to tell a child of six she cannot marry the grandfather next door? Why tell a boy of thirteen he cannot satisfy his urges with the German Shepherd pet? What right do you have to speak out against it? What about the fate of your grandchildren if their parents do not see the deterioration of the society, the forsaking of the heritage as an issue? 

            You are making strong value judgments now against me, and against your Muslim in-laws. But you are forgetting one thing. WE are the victims here, not you. You made choices, weighed pros and cons, and decided it was best to overturn everything. Let me say, before you get too upset here, I accept that you have suffered for your choices. Yes, you have faced rude treatment from others who had no right, and perhaps from those closer who at least were affected by your choices.

            But it is the rest of us, including the grand-kids, who have to make the best out of an awkward situation over which we had no control, no choice. We are tied up—pulled between our values (and loyalty to our God) and our love for our children and grandchildren. Or, as my grand-kids, between their love for their parents (and desire to fulfill what they have been taught is right) and the love to honor their grand-parents.

            Without consulting us or considering how it would affect us, you did what Archie Bunker used to say to his wife.(She was beaten down emotionally into doing whatever she was told. “Stifle it, Edith,” became his mantra.) That is what you told your mother and would recommend for your in-laws and me. 

            Apparently, you only have rights. This treatment sets up two standards—humans who have rights, and sub-humans, who do not. If nothing else, please let this speak to your heart to increase your patience with your in-laws.  Because while it may be possible to keep one’s opinions to himself for strangers, it is innate in us to want to preserve our heritage and our identities within our families.

            I will not bother to try to defend here why I think my position is correct theologically, or to defend against the accusation that I am hard-hearted. I will admit that though I have read literally hundreds of Christian books, and dozens of authors (C.S. Lewis, George MacDonald, JRR Tolkien, Francis Schaeffer, Amy Carmichael, Watchman Nee, Andrew Murray, Hannah Hurnard, and the Thoene’s, to name only a few,) I do not believe I have ever read even one book by Billy Graham. My great aunt had several on her bookshelf, but somehow they never grabbed me. I did pick up on angels, but that was as close as I got.

            I can recommend one by his son, Franklin Graham. He was the black sheep of his family. Later he got his life straightened out and wrote Rebel with a Cause. He’s written other things since, but that is what I suggest. He ran Samaritan’s Purse, a practical ministry to help the poor and not merely preach to them. They have provided help during disasters for a couple of decades. He now runs the Billy Graham Evangelical Association as well. 

            Rather than respond “am not, are too” about being bossy (at times incontestable,) and explain the processes over the years that have humbled me, softened my heart, or whatever other analogy you prefer, I have tried to approach this on a logical basis with no animosity or defensiveness. I genuinely hope it will help.

            Let me add, thanks. I had not posted on my blog significantly for a couple of years. Really, I thought I’d covered most everything there was to say about the subject. I had wrestled with speaking the truth versus trying to be loving and gracious. Part of that was because there were many sweet Muslims who are precious to me whom I would never want to offend. 

           Of course, there are Christians who self-righteously talk down to me instructing me “that is not loving" or tell me to "write it this way. . . .” Most of them have their families intact. They talk to people at their offices or online. Some generously invest time telling others about Jesus. I am glad they do. But they really do not address what the Koran teaches. FOR IT IS THE MESSAGE THAT IS GIVEN THAT PROVOKES OUR OBSTINATE REBELLION AND ANGER. (I don’t remember what Sura and verse that is from, but it is crucial.) Even when the anger is dealt with, the knowledge of what it says produces stubbornness.Most of these have never read the Koran, and they have "no skin in the game." That means they have nothing at risk, in whatever their positions are.

 

            These folks don’t have to go among their peers humiliated, admitting that their children have denied the Lord of Glory. Neither do these parents have to pray for mercy to the One who died for their children. They don’t have to ask for prayer and discernment about how to straddle this impossible crevice; because their own heritage and lineage is not at stake. They are merely able to reach out to strangers and love them, some from their own comfort zones. Wish I were there with them, but I am not. Whether this changes your opinion of me or not, I hope it will enable you to be more merciful to those who are in your life. 

            Perhaps the other readers will also learn from this. Try to show patience with those who break our cultural norms, and maybe show some compassion for those of us who do struggle with these issues. The reason these norms exist is that it protects us from the pressures discussed here. That doesn't deal with the religious issues either, but maybe it will help.

Explanation and Defense of the preceding post

            A few months ago, I received an email from a young woman. She had read one of my articles about my daughter who married a Muslim and converted. Not at all sympathetic of my feelings or problems, she informed me I was hard-hearted and narrow-minded. She also questioned whether my conversations with my grandchildren were realistic. 

In the first response, I felt it necessary to assure her of the accuracy of my report. Answering those comments took too long, so I wrote another to enable her to understand those she considered her enemies. That included her parents as well as her in-laws, in addition to myself. Though my part is insignificant.

           The sender had also married a Muslim. She’d experienced what my ESL Training classes referred to as “culture bumps” from her interactions with her in-laws. She’d also told her parents to just deal with it. In her defense, I have to admit that she was receiving pressure from both sides. 

           All she really wanted to do was love her husband and be left alone. Apparently the religious issues were not too important to either of them. She wanted everyone to get over their zeal and learn to be more tolerant. That seems to be a key word these days, and sometimes we overuse it.

 

            It is a common sentiment, a supposed solution to learning how to get along. At the end of the letter, she told me I needed to stop reading Billy Graham. That made me laugh, but it was not at her. It was late and I wrote her a response that was not as gracious as I would have preferred. The longer piece I didn’t type up, meaning to follow through the next day or so. I did not and then I misplaced the notebook it was in. Since this is merely an introduction to the problem, I will also post the other, a more complete reply.