Where can I go?

Whither shall I go from thy spirit? Or whither shall I flee from thy presence?  The Psalmist says in Ps 139:7. On the day that my daughter takes herself and her children to the other side of the globe, I am reminded of this.

Not only has He been comforting me, reassuring me He will be with her, watch over her, take care of her, when I read this, I thought of a period of time in my life. The bottom had seemingly fallen out of my life, my plans set aside, for me to have to accept continuing in a bad situation. Not that the cause was bad, it was the timing. And the fact that I would not have the freedom I sought.

I was pregnant with a child I wanted-later. I had to drop out from college yet again. Well, I chose to as I could not foresee being able to continue in the situation and be able to do it justice. Babies take time, and doing marketing projects and studying is not that easy with one around. Especially since I already had two kids to take care of. I thought I would be able to provide for them better with the skills and training I expected. However I had to learn to trust the Lord, not myself. If things had been going well, it wouldn't have been more than a minor adjustment. But they had not been for several years, and I had just been treading water to keep from drowing then. This was a major tsunami at least for my plans.
I had some money in savings that had not been spent, and I needed a break to process what was happening. So I headed to Europe, to see England and France, dragging my eldest with me. Things went swimmingly most of the time, but at the end, all hell broke loose. Don't remember if I'd written about it on this blog, but it was one of the memorable weekends of my life. Anyway, I was trying to have fun, enjoy some freedom before I got further tied down for several more years.

For any who do not know, having a baby is so sweet. They are wonderful and you grow to love them more each day. But the nighttime breaks in one's sleep, the crying that cannot be stopped (of the infant's and sometimes the mother's), the unending diapers, and being throw up on wears you down. A mother cannot even get up and go to the bathroom for nearly two years without them following her into the loo. As they are potty trained and learn to eat normal food, one gradually regains her life, and a sense of freedom ensues. So when you have taken two out of those stages, and then contemplate going through it with another, a logical mind will panic. It is not lack of love of concern for that baby. It is merely self-preservation because you know what is coming.   Just saying, don't judge.

So then, there we are at Notre Dame. As typical tourists, we enter, walk around, light a couple of candles-a new experience for me because Protestant churches don't have sets of candles for people to do so. We go outside, after listening to part of a service, to show respect that this is indeed still a place of prayer and ministry. I contemplate the number of folks who have brought their prayers to this building over the centuries. Did they trudge, or ride a cart? How were they dressed? What might their problems have been?
At this point I have not rejected God. Just trying not to talk to Him too much because He could have allowed me to finish my classes and get a degree. It was not unreasonable to want to provide for the two I had before I faced another to provide for unequipped. And I had used birth control, so it was not irresponsibility that had gotten me there.
And, well, I would not have minded replacing my husband with someone less unpredictable. But I was stuck with him because even I am not foolish enough to try to raise children without two parents. I know my limitations, and that was not something I could handle. So for the record, I was more upset about keeping my husband than about having a new baby, though the timing of that also was difficult.

No no one was offering to replace him, though at school there are always opportunities of guys willing to play around, that is whole 'nother level. They are willing to break up marriages that are already having problems, but that is not to state they are willing to be responsible with the consequences. And I was fortunate enough to realize the difference.
Anyway, back at Notre Dame, here comes a procession of saints singing "Majesty, worship his majesty." One of my favorite songs at the time that I had sung for several years at the church we'd attended. So I sung in English as they did in French, and I cried. Because I remembered that verse of Psalm 139:7, and the truth. There is no where you can go to get away, to start over, to forget about problems that He cannot be also.
You may find healing from old trials. There may be new. We had the year in Spokane, it was a year of healing away. I do not judge your going or your reasons. Much of it is sound. Just know you are not alone.

If I ascend into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. Ps. 139:8-10.
(Yes, she is taking the wings of the morning wind as she flies across the ocean. Don't know why David would have said that before airplanes were invented, but there you go, the Bible is always appropriate.)
And btw, He got me through the next few years. That baby held us together when the family would have dissolved apart from him. The Lord continued to be faithful, and He showed me His salvation (not merely forgiveness but rescues.) And you are all grown and life begins again. For you to face, now. No, He does not always give us what we want, what we beg for.

We wonder if He hears our cries or sees our tears. But He does. He gives us what we need. And you are still in His hands whether you know it or not because He is faithful even when we are not. And when we cannot understand. That is how we learn faith, to trust in Him. He has had to wring us through trials to teach the lessons, and then we can calmly say, oh He will work things out. But we didn't learn this gently, no matter how easily it comes out of our mouths now.

Update- That was written in June. At least the problem was faced then. She has since returned and is rebuilding her life here. We struggled through praying for a couple of months, but she was back in time for school to begin. And I have been able to visit with her more as well as with her daughters.